One of the things I get asked most often is how I can handle being a mom and physician. It's a question I appreciate (and largely part of the reason I started this blog way back in the second year of medical school - to show that doctors and doctors in training could actually have lives), but sometimes it gets a little frustrating. Why? Because sometimes I feel like all that I do to show you you can still have a life (I'm a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words) still doesn't seem to convince you lol! I still get dozens of emails daily wondering if medicine is worth it because it's been so deeply ingrained in our beliefs that being a doctor and doing anything else are just incompatible.
Yes being a doctor (and probably more, training to be a doctor) is hard. But guess what, so is being a lawyer, and so is going into business, and so is working in a restaurant - all of these jobs have things that make them uniquely difficult, medicine usually just gets glorified as being particularly brutal. And it certainly can be if you decide to become a neurosurgeon. But there are many fields in medicine that are much more accommodating to a "normal" life, even surgical fields, and the key is to have the foresight to see how that could work in the future. Medical school and residency don't allow for much autonomy, especially when it comes to your own time, but after that you decide what you want your practice to look like (granted, even practicing physicians nowadays feel like they have less and less autonomy thanks to insurance, etc, but that's another story).
All this to say, though, that being a mom and a doctor is just like any other type of working mom. Is it hard? Well, hell yeah. But when I'm chatting with our department secretary who's got 2 kids or my attending who's got 2 kids, or the cashier at the cafeteria who's got 2 kids, guess what? They all say it's hard! Being a mom in general is hard, and adding on the responsibilities of working outside the home (or from home) is hard for all mamas! Now, it's all about perspective, and I don't think I'd ever stop working - I absolutely love what I do and I love adult time using my brain to help people, so for me it doesn't feel hard everyday, but just know that if you ask the question of any working mom, she's going to say it's hard. So to decide not to pursue medicine because you want to have a family in the future is just plain silly (unless by having a family you mean you want to be a stay-at-home mom). But if you plan on working in any job and having children, medicine can still be one of those choices.
Phew! With that out of the way, here are just a few things that I've learned along the way thus far, just over 3 years, almost 3 kids, and an MD degree later.
Accept feeling guilty. And then get over it! As a working mom you pretty much have the chance to always feel guilty. You feel like you're either not giving enough at work, or not giving enough at home, or somehow skimped on something or another to make everything work. Once I realized that I could literally always feel like that I sort of just ignored it. We're working our butts off mamas, and you shouldn't feel guilty about all the hats you're wearing!
Now with that said, there are times (pretty much all the time) that you'll have to prioritize and make seemingly tough decisions. One thing I'll mention is getting good at saying no (hopefully you guys caught this post). The other thing, once you've prioritized your tasks, is becoming as efficient as possible. This means figuring out how to do things so that they are done well, but quickly. It means figuring out what will give you the most bang for your buck at work (and at home). For me, it means learning patient interactions and being a rockstar with them got me the farthest, and while my clinical notes are incredibly important for continuing care and billing purposes, I could automate them in such a way that I spent much less time at the computer and more making my patients feel like they were getting fantastic care from the doctor. It means at home I know my daughter might enjoy 2 hours of me trying to do some elaborate pinterest-inspired art project, but she really loves doing our nails together, and that 20 minutes of time is so much more special to her than 2 hours doing something else. Figure out where you get the most bang for your buck.
Another key lesson I learned is you don't need to be there every second of your kids' life for them to know they're loved. I partly learned this lesson as I grew up - my mom always worked outside of the home (she was a nurse), and we'd go to school and then my grandfather would pick us up and we'd go to our grandparents house after-school until my mom got out of work. I never felt like my mom didn't raise me, or that I somehow developed less of a relationship with her. If anything I appreciated our situation more because I developed such a strong relationship with my grandparents. Kids have an amazing capacity to love, and you better believe they will love you. They of course will go through phases - there are random weeks where one seems to want daddy more or times when they seem to prefer grammy - don't take those times personal, it really isn't. When they get hurt or they're particularly tired they run to mom! And it's even sweeter when they're a little older and you catch them talking about you - Liv is always saying the cutest things about me and it just melts my heart (I'm sure this will change when she's actually older and I catch her talking about me haha, but we'll soak this up for now)! As long as you put in the effort when you are home and are doing your best and have a village that also loves them, your kids will be just fine. Read more here about how I found my village.
Another huge help is simply always being prepared (which is much easier said than done)! For me this means my work bag always has a few diapers in it and kids snacks, my diaper bag has vials of lidocaine (all of my bags have vials of lidocaine lol), and I'm hopefully wearing shoes that can take me from surgery to running around the playground with no problem. I've lately been wearing these Nursemates Lacey sneakers nonstop - both in clinic and on my downtime! Love that they go with everything!
There's way more I could say about this but I've got to get ready for work (I woke up at 4:45 to type this!), including picking the right partner which is just about the most important part of the whole thing, but we'll save that for another time! Cheers (with my coffee mug)! PS - I posted a Youtube video not too long ago about perspective that ties in a bit with this as well, and I also love this youtube video on being a working mom - I tear up every time!
PS - if you enjoyed this post and want more like it, I think you'd love my E-course! It's all about balancing it all, and still finding happiness and joy even on the days we can't (because let's face it, some days are just sh** shows)! Enrollment is open for good and I'd love to see you there!
PS - if you enjoyed this post and want more like it, I think you'd love my E-course! It's all about balancing it all, and still finding happiness and joy even on the days we can't (because let's face it, some days are just sh** shows)! Enrollment is open for good and I'd love to see you there!
